It's New Year's Eve

and how much I had wished to post a cheery note of thanksgiving and joy to usher in a fresh new year.

But now as I write, it is in fact a 3rd day of sorrow. The 3rd day of Cheerio's departure from us. From earth.

I am very very sorry to all who've come to know Cheerio. To our team who have personally seen and touched her. To S and D who had met us and seen Cheerio for a short while. To N who has been so kind with all the sharing and encouragement and a big heart for Cheerio.

This is one of my most difficult posts cos this time, I am personally very sorry. For Cheerio was under my care since last Sunday, when I decided to take her away from her dirty environment and into my home. With the intention to give her a new lease of life.

For the first 4 days, she was happily playful at night and seemed to have settled down well, coming to us when we call, enjoying our strokes and scratches, staking out her fav spots for snooze, enjoying her hay, looking well, happy and inquisitive.

Then on Thursday night, she crashed. She was no longer active. Did not come out of her cage even with the door left open. Her breathing quickened and she no longer want to eat.

Upon vet check, fungal pneumonia was suspected. Likely caused from constantly damp living conditions in an unhygienic cage, high humidity, breathing in soiled, dirty leftover foods, shedded fur all over. Medication was prescribed to rid off bad bacteria. We also suspected a blockage in her intestines as Chinchillas have highly sensitive digestive system. And though her usual food was mixed with new food, she may have reacted unfavourably to the change, thus causing gut stasis, ie, the guts to stop working well and leading to a blockage that could cause bad bacteria to germinate, no food able to be digested properly, no poo form and eventual death. Blockage could also be due to ingestion of wrong stuff or her own hairball. Papaya enzymes were given to aid digestion and clear any blockage if any.

She was fed a recovery diet every 4 hours to slowly get her guts working, as grazers like Chins cannot have their guts inert/empty for long. She seemed to be recovering when her breathing slowed down to a normal rhythm as she took in the food by syringe-feed.

But on Sunday late noon, Cheerio left us. And she left me with a broken, painful, confused heart.

A post mortem revealed fluid buildup in chest cavity, enlarged adrenal glands and a partial blockage of furball in her small intestine. Dr G gave me a packet of her gut contents. I washed it and dried it out and saw that it was a clump of her own fur ingested.


Packet of gut contents

The top is what was gotten from the gut contents after being washed and dried. Compared with a portion of her fur.

The actual cause of death cannot be fully determined, it could be a combination of reasons. Fungal pneumonia takes 30 days to incubate and if it was that or a heart disease underlying, an animal can survive or merely exist for a long time in their old environment no matter if it was unhygienic, but it would have surfaced eventually when the body weakens with changes no matter how positive. If it was gut stasis, it could be due to the inappropriate longstanding diet she was on as she ate mainly sunflower seeds which was inappropriate for Chins. Dr G explained that usually gut stasis happens first before any blockage begins. That is, the gut must have stopped working properly first due to various preceding health reasons, then that causes the body to fail in proper digestion and passing out the ocassional furball/hard to digest contents, and thus a blockage results. Chins do not have a vomiting mechanism to throw up clogged contents.

The unfortunate thing is, prey animals like Chins tend to hide their pain/sickness until it is almost too late. Whatever the real cause of her departure, we don't know for sure now.

The pain of a loss is tough to accept and comprehend at first. The morning after is the worst. The crying. The questions. The thinking-back. The self-blame. The frustration. And then the sadness all over again.

I have personally seen my own pets die before. We have personally been present when our sickly animals were euthanised. And I realise each time, the pain is different and yet the same. The difference in intensity cumulates in the sameness of an ache that is physically real. The dull, painful tightness in the region we call our heart. The pressure of a heavyweight over an organ that gives you life.

The feeling of a death bringing a kind of death to your very own heart. For a time of mourning. When life around you seems to stand-still for a period as you grasp the truth of a soul going heavenwards. Where you know you should rejoice in that freedom but not yet, as all you feel were tears on your face.

Death mellows the soul. It quietens me down as I go off by myself to wonder whereof is the glory in this? When we pray for healing, whereof is the joy when death comes instead? When we thought we heard it right and go forth to do what we think is needful, whereof is the courage to continue when a plan seems to have failed?

I'm grateful for and understand the comforting words that "Cheerio had a happy few days with you and a taste of freedom". But this time, I somehow know this ending was not meant to be. I had not listened deep within. I had not seek clear directions. I think I had made the wrong decision by doing what I think was right. And I've let some people down.

Questions. I'll wait patiently for all His answers.

How much we need to be quiet within, to hear His way for us. Not of our own mind. No matter how good our intentions. Not of our own hands. No matter how willing we are. We fail when we seek our own personal glory even unknowingly in all areas of our life. So shall we have good success when "I" am removed from the picture. It's not about me. It is not about you. If it ever had been, I have veered off course. At the expense of Life. And I am very very sorry.

It'll take a little while more for the emotions to settle off into memory. Remembered as Life's growing journey to treasure and learn from, so a death is not in vain. For now, the body goes back to the earth. And the soul is free.

For this new year, above all well wishes, I wish for your and my heart to come alive. To fully come alive. So that in our journey with people and animals, a journey all about the heart, we learn to listen more closely, to see more deeply and most of all, to retreat within when we feel pulled to go forward.

For the answer lies within.

J.