Very very sorry.

Jamie is no longer with us. We are very very sorry.

When we brought him to the vet this noon, at his condition then, considering the multiple issues he is suffering from, the advice was already to put him down, and I know that is the very last choice that vets will advise so we do take that seriously. However, a part of me rejected that choice. It didn't quite get into me.

Partly I didn't want to make that kind of decision on my own. And also, I felt that even if we did choose to euthanise him, and if he is not in pain at this moment, I so wanted him to have a good last few days with L. Cos I know somehow she understands innately Jamie's needs and I know she will give herself wholeheartedly to him during his last days, as she has given to her own paralysed dog when she nursed him back to health, to the point of a massive heartache that is quite unfair for me to lay upon her. But that was what I wanted for Jamie.

So when I got back from the vet and posted the update and discussed with KZ and L and CL, I was glad we have decided to postpone our decision till tomorrow when Dr L could see him.

But come late noon, Jamie vomited. And that is not a good sign. Early evening, his temperature has fallen to 35 degrees celsius. Normal temperature is about 38. First indications that he could be going into shock -clinical state where there is inadequate blood flow to the body tissues which leads to lack of oxygen, accummulation of acids and ultimately death of the cells.

His paws were cold and his gums were very pale and he was very weak.

We couldn't wait till tomorrow. He was put on drip while we made our way to bring him as soon as we can for a blood transfusion. On the way there, he had no strength and was just lying next to me, very quietly.



On our way.


When we got there, his temperature has fallen to 32 degrees. He has gone into shock. His pupils were dilated and his eyes were glazed. His organs were shutting down.



The vet said that he has no blood circulation at all now on his hinds, no pulse at all, which means that he would never get that circulation back and the only solution is to amputate his wasted leg.



But being so weak, he cannot be operated on as he would not survive the op. But if no op was done, he would have died anyway from the blood clot or whatever was cutting off the circulation to his hinds and possible septicemia (blood poisoning) which could already have taken place.

The vet's opinion, a second opinion for Jamie, was, at this stage, to put him down. As it is totally unfair to prolong his suffering any longer, no matter how much we wish to wait some more and see how it goes. But I guess it comes to a point where we forgot that it's about the animal, the suffering animal, and it turns dangerously to be about us. About our wants and needs and hopes while the animal lying in front of us is barely on its lifeline.

I won't be able to make a decision on my own. And I realise in a clinical setting, the mind tends to agree with the professional advice but once you stepped outside, you realise you could have made the wrong choice.

So I was so glad to have KZ, HP, and L with me. One person could make a mistake. But for 4 of us to concur as one, it brings great relief to my heart that we are making the right decision.

For all the controversies that euthanasia brings, this is one instance where man's ability to end a life is a blessing.

And so, we let tears fall unabashedly as we let Jamie silently slip away from us. He is free now. Free from the betrayal of his owner who chucked him to the farm. Free from the less than acceptable conditions that was his 'home'. Free from pain and discomfort and fear of his sudden paralysis and illness. Free with the freedom that death brings which also frees my heart to grieve for him at this moment with the usual sadness, anger, doubts on what could have and should have been which I know will pass as we dare to be honest with ourselves that in life and death, joy and grief, I know I will be glad when the grief subsides, glad for all the lessons that once again, an innocent animal has taught us. Of how death reminds us freshly of life. Of how that line spoke to me: It is at the point closest to death, that we feel most alive.

But now, for some moments more, I am very very sorry. Even more sorry after I read N's email, offering to take Jamie in even if he has to amputate his leg, of how gracious and big hearted she is, ready to welcome Jamie into her home.

I am very very sorry N. But I couldn't be blind to the truth placed in my face and serve to fulfil our selfish hopes of a recovery when it is time to let go.




So we let Jamie go. And it hurts. So much more now than that very moment with him. But who says the right decision is always easy? It is tough at times. And it hurts real bad. And there are so many questions swirling in your mind it makes you think you've done wrong again.

But wait for the tears to subside and the doubts to clear away. And you will see that sometimes you are sad because you did not get what you wish for. But look beyond your self. You may have helped another being get his/her wish fulfilled however much pain it brings you.

The joy is real when after all the tears, a quiet sense of peace remains. That is when true closure arrives. And you can once again move on with the courage of lessons learnt and lives touched.

Thank you T, L, CL for walking the path with Jamie. And thank you to all of you who have shown much concern and support for him. I am thankful for this little part of my life with Jamie.